


altar-ed perspective

by Odaigahara



Series: discord, i'm howling at the moon [9]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Banter, Based Off A Pun, Gen, Marriage Proposal, Remix, Silly, gen but also there are proposals of marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29112549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odaigahara/pseuds/Odaigahara
Summary: “Wait, so wearegetting married?” Patton blurted. Remus nodded enthusiastically and made obscene hand motions behind Roman’s back.
Series: discord, i'm howling at the moon [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884838
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52
Collections: TSS Fanworks Collective, TSS Fanworks Collective Discord: January Remix Challenge!





	altar-ed perspective

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Altered Perspective](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24658426) by [alicat54c](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicat54c/pseuds/alicat54c). 
  * In response to a prompt by [alicat54c](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicat54c/pseuds/alicat54c) in the [tss_fanworks_collective_discord_january_remix_challenge](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tss_fanworks_collective_discord_january_remix_challenge) collection. 



> The only TW is for crude language from Remus! 
> 
> A remix of alicat54c's fic "Altered Perspective," which you should read and which has Thomas meeting the Dark Sides first, under different names.

After Thomas met Remus the first time and didn’t drive him off, after the lies and the rehearsal and the blessed,  _ blessed _ listening, Janus went to the main Sides and said, “Really, you should try to consider this an opportunity.”

Roman narrowed his eyes from where he stood at the kitchen entrance, arms crossed. He looked like a ruffled cat or a grackle whose tree was being infringed upon, with perhaps three times the verve and color. “How is this an opportunity?” he demanded. “It’s just you getting what you want while we hang around! That’s not an opportunity, that’s a-- that’s crime. You’re a criminal!”

“I’m terribly sorry you weren’t quicker on the draw, Prince,” Janus said, resisting the urge to burst into excited laughter. He had met Thomas and Thomas had listened, hadn’t even pushed him away-- “Did it wound your ego?”

Roman huffed, “I am hale and hearty, thank you very much,” and teleported a cookie into his hand to chew with vengeful force.

Patton had brought out a plate of the things, then a separate paper plate with a few cookies on it for Remus. It was a wise choice, along the lines of making a cardboard keyboard so a cat wouldn’t sit on the real one; Remus would have poisoned the rest otherwise. 

Remus had already eaten his  _ and _ the plate, which had been shaped like a ladybug; Virgil had been inching across the room towards the rest of the cookies for the past fifteen minutes, getting steadily closer as the main Sides and Janus argued. Janus hadn’t taken any; he refused to risk staining his gloves with melted chocolate. 

If the varied reactions to his hospitality had gotten Morality down, he didn’t show it. Logan had taken half of a cookie, cut symmetrically with a knife, and that seemed to be enough to make Patton perk up. Logan was  _ still _ eating the thing, slowly, between bites of heirloom apple. “I fail to see how this is an opportunity for  _ us _ ,” he pointed out after swallowing, gesturing with the fruit, “considering that our titles and functions, especially mine, are already commonly considered positive.”

“Cool it, Einstein, you’re not that special,” Virgil grumbled. “The only people who think Logic is  _ that  _ positive are Vulcans.”

_ “Anxiety!”  _

“Ah. Well. As the one mature adult among us, I will take the figurative high road and accept that as a compliment,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses.

Janus’s eye twitched. “Be that as it may,” he started.

“As it  _ gay!” _

“ _ Thank _ you, Remus. Consider the opportunities here. We have convinced Thomas that our titles are Sarcasm, Caution, and Stream-Of-Consciousness. Accordingly, our functions are being seen  _ differently _ . Thomas is listening to us, even on things that aren’t directly related to our titles. Isn’t there  _ anything  _ you’d like to change about how you’ve always hoped to introduce yourselves? Anything that Thomas doesn’t entirely listen to you about even on a subconscious level?”

“No?” Patton said, sounding honestly confused. “I like being Morality. I hope you aren’t tempted to cardiac arrest me for the pun, but I’ve really taken it to Heart. I don’t think it was all in vein or anything.”

Logan snapped, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. I would like to be known as the anti- _ pun  _ Side, actually.”

Virgil bristled. “That’s not a personality  _ trait _ , that’s like-- an opinion. That’s  _ stupid _ . I might as well be the My Chemical Romance Side.”

“Oh, aren’t you?”

“If Deceit can be a  _ tone of voice--” _

“You don’t only have to be Logic,” Janus said hurriedly, trying to head off the inevitable argument at the pass. If he was lucky, he could even set off bombs and collapse the cliffs on either side directly onto the argument, crushing the opposition completely. That was a normal thing to think and certainly not a sign that he’d been more stressed about meeting Thomas than he’d thought, definitely. “You could be Learning. Rationality. Enlightened thought.”

Virgil said incredulously, “This is Thomas Sanders we’re talking about, not Thomas  _ Jefferson.” _

“You at least might have compared him to Thomas Hobbes,” Logan said, “who authored the book  _ Leviathan or The Matter, Forme and Power of a Commonwealth Ecclesiastical and Civil.  _ Also, while I do enjoy the idea of introducing myself as Curiosity or the need to acquire knowledge, I believe introducing myself as Logic will cover that quite nicely.”

“Well, Roman could be something besides  _ fanciful,”  _ Janus spat, crossing his arms. “Like introducing himself as actually Creativity, for instance? Or anything that isn’t ‘I’m the prince Side’? It’s not as if Thomas is  _ actually _ royalty.”

Patton sniffled, “He’s the king of my heart.”

“ _ Please  _ refrain from speaking.”

“Wha-- I wasn’t going to show up like that!” Roman sputtered, neatly breaking up whatever trouble was brewing between Logan and Patton. Janus had been sensing another pun like a storm brewing on the horizon.

“Try again, Princey, I’ve heard you rehearsing,” Virgil deadpanned. “You practice your opening flourish like it’s the introduction of Hamlet’s ghost dad.”

“Because I want to make an entrance,” Roman protested, “not because that was the final  _ draft _ . I was spitballing!”

“I like spitballs,” Remus said contemplatively. “They’re pretty boring after grade school, though.” He paused, cocking his head. “Think I can make Thomas think he has three dicks if I keep saying it  _ really loud?  _ I bet I can hypnotize him into thinking it’s true.”

“Can I be the parts of consciousness worth  _ keeping?”  _ Roman asked with a glare, turning to Janus like he was some kind of authority on the matter. 

“I wouldn’t dream of telling you otherwise,” Janus said, blinking. “And you can still be Logic, Logan, and Patton, of course you can be Morality.”

“I guess it’s good I’m not just gonna call myself the Dad Side anymore,” Patton admitted. “Does this mean we have to share a kitchen again?”

Roman frowned. “When did we share a kitchen?”

“You wouldn’t remember it,” Janus said hurriedly. “In fact, never think of it again. Patton, we never shared a kitchen.”

“No, I’m pretty sure we did,” Patton said, biting his lip. “Before the whole drama thing that split us into two groups and changed our outlooks on life forever and made us eternal rivals for Thomas’s affection and brainpower, right?”

Virgil narrowed his eyes. “Hold on, do I remember that? I don’t think I remember that.”

“You were an infant at the time,” Janus said with certainty he didn’t feel. 

Virgil stared. “No the fuck I  _ wasn’t--” _

Patton said, brow furrowing, “I thought we were  _ all _ babies.”

“We had a war when we were  _ babies?” _

“It was hardly a war,” Logan said, finally finishing his cookie half. “We had an argument and moved to different sides of an imaginary duplex. Anxiety and I exchanged book recommendations a few days afterward.”

“Oh, so now I was a  _ literate _ baby.”

“I do not clearly recall the exact circumstances of our relative ages--”

“Wait, the war was that time me and Remus happened and you moved because Remus kept eating the silverware?”

“He kept putting plastic spiders everywhere,” Patton said, eyes going shimmery. “I tried to get a fork and there was a spider  _ right there.” _

“I literally  _ am _ a--” Virgil’s hand smacked over his mouth. He wrestled his middle finger free and jabbed it in Janus’s general direction. Janus sliced a finger across his throat. “Whatever. My point is, we weren’t babies, we were like nine, and that  _ wasn’t even a war.” _

“I don’t remember Anxiety being a baby,” Patton said, “am I supposed to remember him being a baby?”

Janus had no idea. “I remember every aspect of our existence so far and can confirm that he used to be a tiny child.”

“We were all tiny children,” Roman said. “Thomas was a toddler.”

“At  _ nine?” _

“No, not at nine, I meant at toddler age. Six, or something.”

“I don’t think that’s right,” Patton said uncertainly. 

Remus, who had stolen the rest of the cookies without so much as tossing one in Virgil’s direction, ate the rest of the ceramic plate and also the table and said, left front tooth hanging out of his mouth by an abnormally long sinew, “ _ I  _ remember a war! It was dark and everyone had guns.”

“That was laser tag. We came into existence-- don’t laugh at that, that’s not what I meant--”

Remus said cheerfully, “Existence is a little cumslut and you know it!”

“ _ Language!” _

“-- at laser tag! Thomas had a moral revelation after he shot his cousin.”

Patton sniffled and nodded. “I remember  _ that _ . She looked so betrayed.”

“We  _ did  _ scare the crap out of her,” Virgil said, eyes flicking to the ceiling like he was trying to picture it in his head. “Also, me. I didn’t think we could make that jump.”

“Thomas  _ was  _ unusually dashing,” Roman agreed. 

Janus, now wondering if this was the true Catholic definition of Purgatory, pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can we please focus? I was under the impression that we were about to have a serious argument about how my dastardly plan to co-opt Thomas’s attention for myself and my allies had worked and you were all caught flat-footed.”

“Ah. Yes. I suppose we should get to that.” Logan dug out a series of flashcards, rifled through them, and smacked them onto the table. “Never mind. It is time to admit that I don’t see the point. We can hardly un-introduce you to Thomas, and most of our heated discussions fail to result in substantial change or compromise.” And then, higher: “I meant  _ figuratively _ heated!”

Remus huffed, “Spoilsport,” and put out the fire. Virgil herded Patton off the couch and into the farthest corner from the smoking cushion.

“It’s still manipulation,” Roman argued, eyeing them both, “or at least a win for the villains! That’s the opposite of genre friendly. We can’t become a tragedy.”

“We aren’t a comedy, either, unless someone here intends to get married,” Janus scoffed. “Patton, put your hand down.”

“Is it really that big a deal, though?” Virgil ventured. “I mean, he thinks I’m Caution now. Maybe that’ll mean I don’t have to do the whole, y’know--” He wiggled his fingers in the air. “Spooky thing.”

Patton perked up. “So you’ll get rid of the spider curtains?”

“Not on your life, Popsicle.”

“I suppose it could be a sort of redemption arc,” Roman said in tones of great magnanimity. “Like Zuko, or someone else with a redemption arc that wasn’t a load of badly written horseshit meant to shoehorn in a canon pairing where none reasonably worked. Anxiety, become  _ Caution! _ Deceit, turned into a one-dimensional speech modifier! Really, it’s something of an upgrade.”

“I think if I try  _ super  _ hard I can make Thomas say the words ‘I beat my meat to Big Macintosh’ out loud.”

“I think I’d like to meet Thomas specifically so you don’t do that,” Patton said from his corner. “Actually. Um, now that I think about it. Oh, and I can get him to watch more reruns of  _ Parks and Recreation _ !”

“For the love of Ada Lovelace,  _ please _ do not,” Logan said. “I already have an entire room dedicated to  _ Parks and Recreation _ quotes. Thomas does not need any more.”

“What about porno knockoffs of  _ Parks and Recreation _ ?” Remus suggested, eyebrows waggling.

“That would be acceptable, if only for variety.”

“I’m totally going to  _ remain _ Sarcasm in his point of view,” Janus finally managed, stung. “I’m not planning to rebrand as Self-Preservation or anything, that would be ridiculous.”

“Glad we agree,” Virgil drawled, and Janus cast an alarmed look at the smoking patch of the couch just to see him jolt and stare in the same direction. 

“But really,” Roman said, starting to warm up to his subject, “there really isn’t any reason to keep having such a divide between us. Imagine what we could do combined! Each of us could have a sidekick.”

“Excuse me?”

“Specs, you can have Remus, and I’ll take Anxiety because at least he  _ enjoys  _ Disney to some degree, and I suppose Patton can have Deceit--”

“Wait, so we  _ are _ getting married?” Patton blurted. Remus nodded enthusiastically and made obscene hand motions behind Roman’s back. 

“What? No,” Janus said. “Logan!”

“Technically speaking, we  _ are  _ consolidating a household, breaking up into pairs, and changing half of our names,” he said, thumbing through a dictionary. “While legal definitions mean nothing in the context of a series of overdeveloped imaginary friends, I don’t see why we couldn’t form a group of marriages, if only to satisfy Roman’s genre complaint. Otherwise, to put it in terms a small child would understand, ‘the bad guy wins’.”

“Hold on, why am I marrying Princey?”

“‘Cause I called dibs on the nerd, Slackarachnia, keep up,'' Remus scoffed. “How else are we gonna change our names?”

“We can just tell Thomas different things,” Janus said desperately, but Virgil was already glowering at Roman  _ mildly,  _ like he was considering it.

“Yes, but then there’s no drama to it,” Roman said, enthused. “No symbolism! It’s such a major change, switching sides; it really should be marked by ceremony. Anxiety, I think I’d like a spring wedding.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, you haven’t even asked me yet,” Virgil snapped, but-- dear God, he was blushing under his foundation. “And why’s Deceit marrying Patton? The little guy doesn’t deserve  _ that _ .”

“Surely you can’t be serious,” Janus blurted. “Logan, you don’t actually believe that any of this is necessary?”

“Of course I do,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow. “At least, as necessary as any of the other farces we bear out to give our existences meaning. Also, please refrain from calling me Shirley. My name is Logan.”

“Jesus, Mary, and  _ Joseph _ .”

“ _ Also _ incorrect--”

“You’re marrying our dear Padre because Sarcasm is an emotion, of course,” Roman interrupted, looking up from the Pinterest wedding printouts that had materialized in his hands. “That way it’s like taking his last name.”

“I think I’d like a fall wedding, actually,” Virgil said with a frown, and Janus made a noise like a rubber chicken overdosing on steroids. It sounded like despair. “You know. For the aesthetic.”

“ _ I  _ want to elope!”

“We’ve hated each other for years,” Janus shrilled. “How would marriage fix that?”

“Thomas would be much more stable if we stopped blowing our conflicts out of proportion,” Logan sniffed.

“It would be nice to make everything official, if we’re coming to a compromise and accepting each other’s differences,” Patton agreed bashfully, staring at Janus with horribly hopeful eyes. “And weddings would be so much fun, wouldn’t they? We could have cake, and dress up nice, and dance with each other and be a family again….” His smile was the slightest bit wavery. “I’ve really missed living in the same place.”

God  _ fucking  _ damn it. 

“I’ll summon the imaginary courthouse,” Janus croaked, putting his head in his hands, and told himself it had nothing to do with hiding his blush.


End file.
